


Held my calendar out like a cup

by Port_in_a_Storm



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Mentions of Aaron's childhood rape, Mentions of self-harm, Pre-Robron Reunion, Supportive villagers, supportive robert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 04:51:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7787431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Port_in_a_Storm/pseuds/Port_in_a_Storm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day after Chas revealed Aaron's abuse to the pub. </p><p>Based on a tumblr prompt</p>
            </blockquote>





	Held my calendar out like a cup

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! This fic was based on this prompt: "I was disapointed when after Chas revealed Aarons abuse to the pub, the only reaction from the other villagers we got to see (except for James, Emma and Finn) was Priya giving him a funny look. Maybe you could write something about different people finding out, their reactions, talking with each other etc and some interactions with Aaron?"
> 
> (Little extra note: I included Vic's reaction because, even though she would have known about the abuse from Adam, we didn't get to see half as much as I think we all would have wanted from Vic. So I'm putting her here)
> 
> Trigger warnings: mentions of Aaron's abuse, and self-harm. Nothing graphic, but please proceed with caution.
> 
> Happy reading! :)

When Aaron woke the morning after Chas blurted his deepest, most dark secret to the pub, he felt different. He felt as though he had sliced himself open, and was bleeding out in the middle of the village for everyone to see. He held a hand to his stomach, his palm and fingertips brushing over the scars—old and new. He looked around, bent his head at the neck to look up. He saw his chest of drawers, and he knew that tucked away among his socks and underwear was another blade. 

He wasn’t going to use it. He had something better now; something that didn’t hurt: he had Robert—speed dial three (Chas was one, Paddy two). Though after last night, he was sorely tempted to move Robert up to two instead. A secret like that, and his mother felt she had the right to blurt it to the pub. No doubt it would be around the village in days; everyone would know by the end of the week. His lip trembled and he bit it, hard. If he gnawed just a little deeper, let his teeth sink a little more—

His phone vibrated and startled him. 

_R: I hope you’re okay. Text if you need anything. You know I’m here for you_

Aaron released his lip and tried to breathe normally.

****

He knew he couldn’t stay angry with his Mum for long. Not when she greeted him timidly with a cuppa and a bacon sarnie. He didn’t feel like eating, but under her concerned, loving gaze, he tried to consume as much of the breakfast as he could. When he was done, nothing but the crusts left, she smiled at him.

‘I can cut the crusts off for you next time,’ she said. ‘Like I used to do for you.’

He didn’t look up from the crumbs on the table. ‘I’m not a child, Mum,’ he said. _Thank god_. Being back there, eight years old and scared…

‘I know,’ she said, bringing him out of a memory that was sure to take hold. ‘I know that, love.’ She picked up his plate and dropped it in the sink. Then she put her hands on his shoulders, ducked and kissed the back of his head. ‘I am _so sorry_ about what I did last night,’ she whispered. ‘I just hate to see you hurting, and I _hate_ that Diane and Doug still think that… _he_ is a decent man. I can’t stand it.’

‘It’s not about you, Mum,’ he snapped. It took everything he had not to push her off him, not to storm out and get into his car and drive somewhere that no one knew his name, let alone what had happened to him.

The words alone were enough to make her back off, though, and Aaron felt equal parts guilty and relieved. ‘I know it’s not, Aaron,’ she said softly. ‘But you are my son, and I would do _anything_ for you; to protect you. The more people that know what happened, the more they’ll be looking out for you.’

 _‘The more they can gossip,’_ he thought bitterly. This one wouldn’t go away for a while. He thought it was bad when he came out in court years ago, but this was something far, far worse. He was under no illusions that people would use this as gossip-fodder and not much else.

Diane

The door opened then, and Diane came in. As soon as she saw Aaron and Chas sitting at the table, her smile started to fade and a look of pity came over her eyes. Aaron had to look away from her.

‘Morning, pet. Chas,’ she said. ‘How are you both?’

Aaron didn’t answer. Chas smiled. ‘Been better, thanks,’ she said truthfully.

Diane nodded. 

‘Cuppa?’ Chas offered, when the silence had dragged on a bit too long. 

‘Please, love.’

Aaron felt Diane’s eyes on him, and heard her footsteps on the floor, and heard her take the seat next to him, but he didn’t look up. 

‘Aaron.’ He looked up then, when he heard the wobble in her voice. Her eyes were glistening and she blinked rapidly; cast her eyes to the ceiling and breathed. Then she looked back at him. ‘I am so _sorry_.’ When he frowned in confusion, she said, ‘I was the one that encouraged Gordon to build bridges again. I should have told you that I met him when I first did, pet. We may have avoided all of this.’

It took a long moment before he felt strong enough to speak; moments of practicing his breathing, of picturing the text from Robert this morning, of remembering being held in Adam’s strong arms after the police station, before he could speak. ‘You weren’t to know.’

‘I should have said _something_ , though,’ she insisted. ‘To even get the lay of the land; to see how you felt about him.’

‘Diane, you weren’t to know any of that,’ Chas said gently. ‘I didn’t even know, and I’m his Mum.’ Her voice broke again, and she went back to making Diane’s tea.

Aaron nodded. ‘I wouldn’t have told you, or let on anyway,’ he said. It was a dire situation in which he told Robert. He wouldn’t have burdened anyone else with that. He shrugged. ‘It’s not something you just… blurt out to someone. I’m not having a go, Mum,’ he said when she ducked her head in shame, ‘but it isn’t. I wouldn’t have told Robert if he hadn’t found me in the state that he did.’

‘You told Robert first?’ Diane asked, surprised. It dawned on Aaron that no one apart from his family, Adam and Vic knew the true extent of what Robert had done for him. He nodded. She smiled a little. ‘I hope he was kind?’

‘He was,’ he assured her. He didn’t tell her how amazing he had been, how amazing he was _still_ being. Maybe he should have done. 

Diane accepted her tea with a nod to Chas. ‘Right, I should go and make a start on the tills.’

Aaron bit his lip. Normally, Diane would stay; she’d have a chat with him and Chas, drink her tea slowly. But now, it was as if she couldn’t wait to get away from him. He nodded all the same and let her go. He could have told her that _he’d_ go, that he’d go to the scrapyard, start on some work, but he couldn’t: as much as he hated this, he hated the thought of going out and facing everyone’s pitying and prying eyes more.

His phone pinged. Robert. Again. He threw it back on the table, not able to deal with his messages of concern.

‘Everything alright?’ Chas asked delicately.

He nodded. When she kept looking, her eyes darting between him and his phone, he sighed. ‘Robert’s asking if I want a coffee at the café.’

‘Oh. Right.’ She fidgeted where she stood. Aaron knew that it was a strange situation for her to be in: on one hand, she hated Robert; a part of her always would. But she was also grateful for everything he had done for him, and for her when she could have gone off the rails the other day at Gordon’s house. She cleared her throat and spoke as diplomatically as she could, ‘Maybe you should go. Might be good for you to get out for a while.’

‘Mum, I’ve been in Ireland for a week!’

‘I know. But—’

‘What, better to face all the gossips now, eh? Get it over and done with?’

‘Aaron, I’ve said I’m sorry!’ Chas cried, her voice trembling with tears. ‘I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do!’

‘Nothing! You’ve done enough!’ He pushed himself away from the table. 

‘Where are you going?’ she cried.

‘Out,’ he snapped. ‘That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it?’

Brenda and Bob

He found it difficult to regret his harsh words. He regretted they were against his Mum, but she was the one who had blurted it out. He started to answer Robert’s text whilst he was walking, but heard a shout of his name before he could send it. He looked up and saw the man himself leaving Vic’s house.

‘Hiya,’ Robert greeted. Aaron nodded. ‘You got my message then?’ he asked, nodding to Aaron’s phone.

‘Yeah.’ Aaron pushed open the door to Bob’s café, and rejoiced inwardly that there was hardly anyone here. The few people that were, he didn’t know. 

Robert gestured for him to take a seat. ‘Coffee?’ he asked. Aaron nodded and reached for his wallet. ‘I’ll get this,’ Robert said.

Aaron concentrated on breathing normally and not thinking about anything at all until Robert returned. When he did, however, he had a strange look on his face. 

‘What?’ Aaron said.

Robert looked up, all wide-eyes and raised eyebrows. ‘What? Nothing.’

Aaron shook his head. ‘She said something, didn’t she? Brenda?’ 

‘She—she just wanted to know how you were.’

‘I hope you told her it’s none of her business!’

Robert stuttered for a moment, and Aaron looked at him incredulously. ‘I just told her that you’d been better, that—’

‘For god’s sake, Robert!’ Aaron hissed. ‘It’s barely even _your_ business, let alone hers!’

‘Aaron.’ Robert was clearly hurt, but Aaron just looked away from him and tried to breathe deeply.

‘So did she say how she knew?’ he asked.

Robert shook his head. ‘No, she didn’t.’

‘But it’s gonna be around the village by lunchtime, isn’t it, if Brenda knows.’

Robert shrugged helplessly. ‘Maybe the more people who know, the better.’

‘You sound like my Mum.’

‘Maybe we both have a point then. People care about you, Aaron; they want to protect you.’

‘And what are they gonna do, eh?’ he hissed. ‘Put up some kind of united front against him? Mum, bunch of villagers and you?’

‘I’d do anything to protect you, Aaron.’

They lapsed into silence, so when Bob delivered their coffees to the table, it was already an awkward atmosphere. He cleared his throat. ‘Aaron, mate.’ Aaron didn’t look up from the coffee. ‘It’s… it’s good to see you.’ Aaron saw him stretch his hand out to lay on his shoulder, but retracted it at the last moment. ‘I just want you to know that Brenda and me are here if you need anything at all.’

Aaron snorted. ‘What, like free cookies or something?’ He flinched at his own words. ‘That was—I’m—’

‘No, no. It’s fine,’ Bob said quickly. ‘Just wanted you to know… well, we’re here.’

Aaron nodded. Bob smiled at him and Robert, and went back to the counter.

He watched Robert pick up his mug, handle first, watched him blow on the hot coffee, and watched him sip it. He wanted to throw the liquid over Robert’s steady hands, wanted him to cringe and shout and rail at Aaron. He wanted Robert to hurt him. 

‘Aaron?’ His voice was soft, as soft as his eyes. Aaron looked away, but his gaze brushed over Brenda, standing at the counter, looking at them. 

‘She’s still fucking looking!’ he hissed. ‘Why is she still fucking _looking_ at me?!’

‘Sh sh, it’s alright.’ Robert put his drink down and leaned over the table slowly. Aaron hated it; hated him; hated everything about this situation. 

‘I-is everything alright?’ Brenda was there, downturned mouth and concerned eyes, and Aaron couldn’t handle it. 

‘Mind your own you stupid bitch!’ He stood and ran from the café, not stopping when he heard Robert’s voice, not stopping when he saw people staring at him, not stopping until he was at the bridge, leaning over it and trying to breathe.

Ashley

‘Aaron?’

He startled. He hadn’t noticed Ashley there. He stopped short and backed off like a cornered animal.

‘Aaron, I’m not going to hurt you.’ His voice was soft and coaxing. ‘Please,’ he gestured at the space next to him. ‘I’ll be quiet, I promise. I came here to think.’

Aaron made another aborted step backwards. If he went back now, he’d have to deal with Robert and his questions and his concern. So he stood next to Ashley, leaving a space between them, and looked down at the flowing water. They had found Shadrach in the river, he remembered. Drunk, drowned. He wondered what drowning felt like. 

‘I like to come here,’ Ashley said, seemingly forgetting about his promise to stay quiet. ‘It’s quiet here, away from the village. I’ve been going to a lot of quiet places recently.’

The vicar had always been a constant in Aaron’s life. Ashley was the person that people turned to when they needed anything: even if they didn’t believe the way he did, he was willing to listen, and to offer comfort. Aaron remembered how he had offered some brief comfort to him months after Jackson had died, when everyone had forgotten Jackson, when Hazel was away—Ashley was there.

‘I’ve never believed in God,’ Aaron said suddenly. ‘Probably never will do.’

‘I don’t expect everyone to,’ Ashley replied. ‘I had a moment of abandoned faith as well.’

Aaron nodded. He recalled his mother saying something about it; about Ashley and how dementia had caused him to question things. He supposed that Ashley understood him then. 

‘Do you know?’ he asked, voice nothing more than a hoarse whisper. ‘What happened to me?’

‘Your father?’ Aaron flinched at the title, but nodded. Gordon was no father, not in anything but blood. ‘Yes. I heard from Diane.’

Aaron shook his head. ‘Didn’t think she’d gossip about that.’

‘She wasn’t gossiping, Aaron. I think she was concerned more than anything. Concerned about you, and about your mother.’

‘Why did that happen to me, then?’ he asked. ‘If your God is so good and so righteous, why did he let that happen to me?’ He knew he was being irrational; there was no answer for why Gordon had done what he did. _‘Evil’_ is what Robert had said on more than one occasion. But he wanted answers. Aaron needed something that he could base his ache on, something solid that would tell him _why_ he was treated so horrendously. 

‘Aaron, there is nothing I can say that can explain why it happened. But God saw you through it. He made sure that you survived.’

‘Is that what you tell yourself, is it?’ he spat. ‘And Laurel and Arthur and Gabby? When they ask you why God gave you dementia, you tell them that, what, you’re alive at least?’

‘I’ve come to terms with what’s happening to me,’ Ashley said. ‘I don’t like it, I abhor it in fact. But sometimes the best way we can get through anything is to accept and move on.’

‘How can I _move on_?’ Aaron shouted. ‘My dad _raped_ me! How am I supposed to just accept that and move on?’

‘You will find a way, Aaron,’ Ashley said. He sounded so sure, and Aaron wanted to lash out at him. He had no idea, no _fucking idea_ what he went through; what he was _still_ going through. ‘We are all here for you, to help you through it.’ He cleared his throat. ‘I’ll leave you both. Just know that you are not alone, Aaron.’

Aaron frowned. Both? He turned and closed his eyes in exasperation when he saw Robert at the end of the bridge. ‘Can’t get rid of you, can I?’

Robert walked up the bridge and leaned against it. ‘No, afraid not. Not that easily.’ They stood in silence, listening to the birds, the flowing water and not much else. ‘Brenda says she’s sorry for upsetting you,’ Robert said. ‘Said she just wanted to help. She and Bob both.’

‘Yeah, and everyone in the whole flamin’ village.’ He closed his eyes and ducked his head. ‘I just hate people knowing, Robert,’ he said. ‘I hate them knowing what he did to me, and pitying me.’

‘I know.’ He reached out and grazed his hand down Aaron’s arm. Aaron remembered Robert’s warmth at his side when he pulled him into a one-armed hug at the scrapyard. _‘The strongest person I know,’_ he had said. He wondered if that was still true. ‘What did Ashley want?’

Aaron shrugged. ‘Telling me about how God saw me through everything, how he made me _survive_.’

‘No one did that but yourself, Aaron.’

He nodded, but he wasn’t convinced. ‘I wanna get drunk,’ he said.

‘Yeah? Pub?’

Aaron shook his head. ‘David’s? Buy some whiskey?’

Robert smiled a little. ‘Sounds good. Come on.’

David, Leyla & Jacob

As usual, David was his usual jovial self: laughing, joking with Jacob and Leyla, chatting to the customers. Until Aaron walked through the open door. Suddenly the shop was plunged into silence. Leyla didn’t know where to look, Jacob looked too curious for his own good, and David became fascinated by the delivery items on his list.

Aaron made a beeline straight for the booze, whilst Robert shot daggers at the two adults. It was clear from the way that Jacob kept whispering about why they weren’t speaking to Aaron, that they hadn’t told the boy about him, and for that Aaron found himself slightly grateful. Unfortunately, that faded away when he put the drink on the counter and David spoke to him.

‘You alright, mate?’ he said, slowly; carefully. Aaron’s jaw clenched. 

Leyla stuttered through her own greeting. ‘We—er, heard about… well, you know.’

‘Yeah?’ Aaron growled. ‘Where’d you hear that, then? Eh?’

David and Leyla looked at each other. Jacob still looked confused. ‘My Dad told me,’ David said.

‘Eric?’ Robert said. ‘What right has he got—’

‘No, it wasn’t like that,’ David said quickly. ‘He wasn’t, like, gossipin’. I think he wanted us to know in case we said something, and you took it the wrong way.’

‘Right, well, thanks for the concern, but I don’t need you lot pussyfooting around me!’ Aaron said harshly. He threw a twenty on the counter and grabbed the booze.

‘Aaron!’ Leyla said, ‘Look, we’re sorry. We just don’t want to do anything wrong.’

‘No? Then stop looking at me like I’m a victim!’

Jacob stepped forward. ‘Don’t talk to them like that!’

‘Jakey, go and… pack those shelves, yeah?’ David said. He pushed a box across to the boy, but Jacob didn’t move.

‘David and Auntie Leyla haven’t done anything wrong!’

‘No, we know they haven’t, Jacob,’ Robert said. ‘Aaron’s just upset right now.’

‘Doesn’t mean he can take it out on them!’

‘Jacob!’ Leyla scolded. 

‘No, he’s right,’ Aaron conceded. ‘It’s not your fault my Mum couldn’t keep her mouth shut.’

That made David smile weakly. ‘Women, eh?’ Then he backtracked at Leyla’s glare, and Aaron’s frown. ‘Well, I mean, uh—’

‘If you need anything,’ Leyla said, cutting him short. ‘We’re here for you, Aaron. We mean it.’

For the first time that day, Aaron didn’t take offence. He nodded and smiled. ‘Do me a favour?’ he said quietly, watching as Jacob (appeased by Aaron’s kind-of apology) stacked shelves, ‘don’t tell Jacob about it?’

He saw David glance at the teenager, saw his eyes soften and his mouth curve in a smile. Paddy smiled that way at Aaron when he thought Aaron wasn’t looking. It was the look a father should give a son. He was glad that Jacob had someone who would take care of him—someone who _had_ taken care of him the way David had. He looked at Robert and nodded at the door.

Pearl

Before they could leave the shop, Aaron almost ran into Pearl. She saw him and her smile instantly dropped. ‘Oh, Aaron love. How are you?’ Then she put a hand to her mouth. ‘What a stupid question. I-I’m sorry, love.’

‘Pearl, don’t,’ Aaron all but pleaded. He was so fed up of the pitying looks, so fed up of people feeling sorry for him. 

She nodded and bit her lip. ‘A man like that deserves locking up,’ she said. ‘If any of us thought he was capable of that, we never would have let him near you.’

‘Yeah? Would have poisoned a lemon drizzle cake, would you?’ Aaron said. He was tiring quickly. Robert touched his arm.

Pearl smiled and leaned in. ‘If that’s what it takes, love.’ Then she sobered and bit her lip. ‘Oh, you poor lad!’

‘Pearl, seriously, don’t!’ Aaron could feel himself breaking, and if was going to do it, then in the middle of David’s shop was not the place for it. ‘It’s gonna be fine.’ He didn’t believe it, but he had to say something to stop that pitying look on her face. He and Pearl had been close once. There was some part of him that could almost consider her a grandmother. He hated seeing her hurting because of him. He forced a smile. ‘I plan on drinking a lot of this, and then passing out!’ he said. He caught her mouth opening on another condolence. ‘Have to go, Pearl. See you later, yeah?’

He and Robert left before she could say another word, and once outside, Aaron inhaled deeply, as if he were breathing for the first time.

Vic

Aaron led them back to Vic’s, not having to explain to Robert that he couldn’t face the pub right now. He let himself in, but stopped when he heard movement in the kitchen. ‘I thought you said everyone was out?’ he said to Robert.

‘They were when I left,’ he replied. Then louder, ‘Vic?’

‘Hiya!’ his sister shouted from the kitchen. ‘I’m just going! Adam forgot his lunch _again_ so I’m gonna take it to him. Don’t suppose you fancy running me down to the scrapyard, do you?’

She rushed through the doorway, a container in hand, but stopped when she saw Aaron. ‘Oh. Don’t worry. I’ll make my own way there.’ She smiled sympathetically at Aaron. ‘How are you? Rob told me what happened last night.’

Aaron shrugged. ‘I don’t really want to talk about it,’ he said. 

‘Everyone knows,’ Robert said. He kept his eyes on Aaron, waiting for the slightest look of discomfort.

‘Well, that can only be a good thing, can’t it?’ Vic said, ‘you know, strength in numbers and all that?’

‘If you say so,’ Aaron mumbled. 

Vic looked at him, and then at Robert. ‘This is stupid, this is.’ Then she strode to Aaron’s side and hugged him. Aaron nestled into her neck after a frozen moment. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d hugged Victoria. Her and Adam’s wedding perhaps? ‘You know I’m here for you, don’t you?’ she said, drawing back from the hug. ‘We all are: me, Adam and Rob.’ She seemed to give an extra special nod and smile to her brother, and Aaron could only guess that she was hopping onto the matchmaking train. 

He nodded. ‘Yeah, cheers Vic.’

She went to the door, then turned back again. ‘Look, I know it seems like things couldn’t get worse, but they’ll get better, Aaron.’

He shrugged. ‘Wish I had your faith.’

‘It’s not faith,’ she said, ‘I know that they’ll get better. This village, the people—we all care about each other, Aaron. We look after one another. We’ll look after you as well.’

‘She’s not wrong,’ Robert said. ‘All those people we saw today; they weren’t anything but supportive. Everyone has your back, Aaron.’

Aaron nodded. He wanted to believe it, and maybe in a way, he could see that it was true: people only wanted to help. But he couldn’t help but resign himself to getting some funny looks for a while yet. He shook the bottle of whiskey. ‘Still think I’m gonna need this.’

Vic smiled sadly, and he wished he could go back to a time that she didn’t know anything; when the entire village didn’t have his name on their lips, tied in with sympathy and ‘that poor lad’. Back to a time that even Robert didn’t know. But these were the waters he swam in. He opened the drink and resisted the urge to down it in one until he couldn’t feel anything anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Come have a nosy on tumblr!: [Port in a Storm](http://www.portinastorm.tumblr.com)
> 
> Title is a line from 'Comfort me' by Feist. I chose this line because as is the nature of the lyrics, Aaron is almost begging for a time that the villagers didn't know about his abuse.


End file.
